I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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