my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
