all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
