Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
