I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
