I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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