I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
