If i come over, it means nothing
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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