No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
