I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
