i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
