I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
