Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
