I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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