Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
