She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
