the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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