wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
