I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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