i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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