Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
