Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My penis needs a shock collar
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
