Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
