You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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