You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
