Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
