I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You dont lie about slip and slides
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
