some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you had me at cake vodka
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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