sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
