you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
