I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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