Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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