I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
