My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
