Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize