I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize