Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
