dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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