fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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