I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
