My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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