Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
