dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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