she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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