The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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