i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
