Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
