there's paper in my vomit.
i love accidental penises.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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