fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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