I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
