I feel like I'm in dance class right now
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
