I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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