I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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