i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
