Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
