He asked me if I "almost moaned"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
