So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize