i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
